Wanting to change

Well there are so many things that I want right now. A Job that has decent pay would be nice. The ability to take a vacation and not feel guilty about leaving work for a week or two. (of course that would come after I get the job) I would also love to lose a little more weight. I seem to have gained back some of the stuff I lost recently.

But Of all these things the thing that I want to change the most is my attitude about my life. I have been letting myself get a little down. As you can see by my last post, I have been feeling a little unwanted for any type of work. I have to personally realize that this is only temporary. I have some great friends and family looking out for me. The give me work to do, they take me out to eat and they send ideas for work my way.

I need to get the motivation to get up every morning and do something besides turn on the TV. I am not normally a couch potato. But I have really picked it up over the past few months. I feel like I have nothing to do. when really I have plenty that I could be doing that would benefit me more than sitting in front of the TV watching some dumb mid morning show. I could be working out or I could be doing school work or I could be working on a hobby. There are so many other things I could do with my current situation.

So starting now I am going to limit my time on the Internet. I am going to post something on my Blog once a week just to keep my mind running if nothing else. I am going to get up early every morning and go work out. I am going to spend time drawing for at least a half hour every day on anything that comes to mind. I am going to do my schoolwork for that day before I turn on the TV. I am going to take the dog on a walk after I work out every morning and then take him on a walk before bed every night. I am going to make sure the pets are groomed every week. And I am going to make sure my wife helps me on everything because I know I will eventually fail if I do not have someone to support me.

These are my gaols. These are my way of saying to life you have not defeated me. This will be my way to take back what I have lost and what was taken from me. This is how I will prove to myself and others that I am willing and ready to work hard and smart. That I am a good person to have around. That I am trustworthy to myself and others and that I am the best person for any job that comes my way.

Age of Fear

I was a little heated up last night over an incident that happened Sunday night. We have some neighbor kids that like to doorbell ditch us frequently. Normally it is just a little game and I pay little to no attention to it. But Sunday night after a long drive. It was pretty late. Between 10 and 10:30pm.

I had gone to bed since I wake up every morning at 6am or earlier. Cassie was staying up a little longer than me. But was about to go to bed herself. When the doorbell starts ringing like crazy. When Cassie opened the door she had rocks thrown at her. Not pebbles. But rocks. So not only are we rudely awakened at a late hour. Cassie was attacked by a little girl. Somewhere between the age of 4 to 8.

So last night I was still upset about the incident. Why is this child up and out side causing trouble 10 at night? I was not allowed outside after 10. Heck at that age I was in bed. Maybe parents don't believe in bedtimes anymore? Its not the hip thing to tech your child good bed habits anymore?

So in my rage I said to Cassie. If that child rang our doorbell like crazy again in the middle of the night and then threw rocks at either of us again. I was going to go out there and spank her. Cassies prompt response was. "I would not do that, They could sue us."

Now Cassies response although right made me think. This is the age of fear. We are all afraid that someone would sue us. You have to keep your house clean and in good condition because if someone comes into your house to rob you and happens to trip and fall, hurting them self. They can sue you for the injury. Not only that. They have won cases in the past! So it does not matter that they were in the wrong. That they were committing a crime. It only matters that they got hurt on your property.

So now back to my situation. The mom of the child was outside. She did apologize to Cassie for the child ringing the doorbell. It was a case of "Was that my child?!?!? Oh I am sorry" so part denial and a simple possibly PC apology. Did she mean it? I don't know. But did she promptly take that child into her room and at least ground her for the night? Did the child even know what she did was wrong?

So where does the fear stop? Should I be afraid every day of protecting myself, my wife, or any one in my family? If you go by the news or public opinion. Yes. Don't do anything of the sort. Do not stand up for human rights unless your part of the human right organization. Even then they will step on your toes and hold you back from doing the right thing, just so that they can keep their funding.

So what can we do. We protect ourselves, we get sued. We do nothing, We get taken advantage of. This is an age of fear. An age of rewarding those that do wrong. I am sick of it. You can't go to a politician because they Will give you the politically correct answer. You can't go to a lawyer because of previous cases they will just tell you that you will lose. We are stuck in the mud. We have to let people take advantage of us because it is the only way to keep yourself from going into horrible debt.

Paying for and Planning a wedding? I have no good advice.

    Ok so recently I got enguaged to a wonderful woman. We are now getting married in june. 

   Now comes the hard part. I always heard of all the fun things about weddings. Especially the wedding night! Wink Wink. But I have not ever seen in any of the wedding movies the part where you feel like your pockets are empty and your sanity dropping like a rock. I know what is going threw my head. So I feel Sorry for my fiancee Cassie, Because she has the hard end of the deal. Traditionally the Man just has to show up to where the soon to be bride tells him to. She Gets all the inital stress I guess you would say.

   

But now where my pockets begin to feel empty. I did not realize that everyone else in this country that gets married was so rich. I mean honestly after a ring and a honneymoon. I figure I will have to mortgage my house that I have not bought yet.  People throw the word thousands out there, like it is nothing. "Oh how much is this?" says I. To which they reply "Oh only a few thousand." I usually turn pale and have to catch myself before I faint. I hope that is how most guys feel, so that I can say that I am not that big of a dork. Also I hope that I hide it well. I know cassie is trying to keep things resonable. 

Not everyone is alike.

    I have been looking over the past few months and years to my life and I have noticed one thing that almost everyone seems to have in common. They think everyone should be like them. 

I will explain.

    I don't drink. I have sipped a few differen drinks out of curiosity and have decided that it is in no way for me. I hate the taste, I do not like the places you have to go to get the "Good Stuff" and I don't like the lifestyle. But I don't mind that someone else decides to drink, as long as they do it responsibly. But I have been told my many a drinker that I have just tried the "Wrong drink" and they always will recommend a different one. Which I will reply with "I am just not interested" But always they will just say I have tried the wrong drink, It was mixed wrong, you tried the wrong brand.  But in the end I know it's just, I do not like it. it is not for me. 

  

    But this is not just to the drinkers or "Worldly People". Religion does it also. one of those is that if you don't see something as a miracle. You see it as good people, Good luck, or anything else. Not that you deny there is a god. Just that you don't think he controls everyone like a puppet. We all struggle with prayer, to which someone always answers with something like "You don't pray right". I have been guilty of this myself being of the mind that most people are lazy and want things given to them. It is not right of me to say, but sadly I do. 

    

    Being LDS, I also hear allot about the temple. I do not hate the temple. I have liked to go. But there are some things that have made me UN-easy in the past. The typical response I have heard is. "You just have to go more often." Or "You did not go in with the right frame of mind." All these answers are the same answers a drinker will give me.  Just worded differently. If I do not like something. Is that not my choice anymore. If I feel out of place or have a distaste for something that is my choice. 

   Most people accept that I do not like tomatoes. Why can't they accept that I don't like some temple ordnance. Or that I just do not like to drink alcohol. Why can't the atheist accept that I believe in god. why cant democrats accept that I think government should have a much smaller roll. Why cant the rich and the poor accept that the other is not a snob or lazy trash.  My thought is, They want you to be like them.  They want you to just accept and love everything they do. Being different to people is considered bad.

America full of Dreams and Bull

Bush has had one of the most difficult Presidencys ever. Failure is harsh words for someone that has been threw so much and done so much for this country.

He was there at the first of his presidency with one of the most brutal attacks on this or any other country. An attack that was on Civilians and not the Military. He was there and he was strong and Vowed to keep us safe from attacks like that from years to come and Although he may have made some bad decisions during that time. We have been safe from many terrorist attacks. But he did not have some of our soldiers show no class and torture prisoners. He was the one that issued the formal apology for someone elses mistake.
We Give him grief on the failure of the people of New Orleans. The failure of the under maintained Levees that broke under the pressure of one of the most horrific Hurricans this country has seen. We give him grief because Aid was not there immediatly. But I did not see many of the people of new orleans helping themselves to anything other than free aid and free store electronics. They did not have to go in and clean up the dead bodys, they asked everyone else in the country to do it. They did not all go in and rebuild thier city. They asked the rest of us to do it. Bush did not fail then. We did. We just have passed the blame onto him. Shame on America not on Bush.
Bush may not have been the best President this country has ever seen but he is not the worst. He made decisions when no one else wanted to. He was there for this country and we turned our backs on him. Shame on us. Shame on us for being so petty. Shame on us for being so weak. Shame on us for being so greedy. No wonder the rest of the world hates US.
He knows he is not well liked. But now he is still trying to make a gracefull exit. I applaude him on being civil when no one else seems to be able to.

The Woman I intend(ed) to marry.

(This is something that I wrote a few months back. I can say in many ways I do still feel the same but I feel it is all for not. I cannot talk to me Belle anymore. I do not feel she wants to see me anymore. But I would take her back if I knew she was still mine. But I don't know if that will ever happen.)

8/9/08

I have the most beautiful woman around me. she has the softest skin and a shine in her face. spunk in her attitude mixed in with a little sass and pride. I love my Belle and I want to world to know that. She is my world and what my life was ment for. I love to pamper her and buy her gifts and flowers, candies and all the little things that let her know that I am hers. I don't want to know what life is without her ever again. She is my ray of sunshine and my compas threw life. She is my streangth, will, & power. She can always put a smile on my face or make me cry when she is upset. I love to have her near me and to smell her close. I love to hold her and squeeze her and never want to let go. I love her laugh and I love to tickle her even when she begs me to stop. I like to encourage her to prove her streangths. I want to be her sugar dady and she can be my sugar mamma. Not with money but with hugs and kisses. I love my Cassandra Bell Mcmanama

Pick Your Poison.

I though I would give some of my thoughts on the whole McCain/Obama Presidential race. First of all I do not think either man is a devil or a saint. They are both men with flaws. Something that the American public seems incapable of seeing on either side. One is always viewed as incompitent or evil just depending on what side you vote for.

The sides can and are very diffrent. This is part of the root to the problem in America these days. "If your not arguing with someone then how could either of you be right?" for some people there has to be constant conflict, constant argument, constant hatred of the opposing team. Although this has always been part of life I believe that the media has brought it more to light. Giving people more to get upset about and more to argue about.

Talking around the cooler use to be the extent of most light harted but heated debates. Now we make instant comments on someones news article, or even on someones blog. Fights break out on this for multipule reasons. either someone does actually disagree with you, or someone is just looking for a fight. One is just fine and part of how life should be. The other is a childish act by someone.

So what does the media and are own actions have to do with the canidates? Well first of all Dirty politics in the past of back-biteing and false or twisted acusations has now started to show it's self in our daily lives. The politicians do not have to do the dirty politics anymore. The news does it for them and we add fuel to the fire. News stations rarely just give us the facts anymore. They have to interpret it for us also. They have to tell us what we think. They give us our opinion. Why? Because we told them to do it.

Now back to the presidential election. How do we choose our next President? How do we choose the next leader of the free world? I mean a debate would normally be a good thing. But these days politicians only tell us what we want to hear. They can fix the economy! They will fix all the faults of what the previous president or previous party! The economy will improve our incomes will go up and our stress levels will go down. They will fight for the people. The Middle and lower class. The working man/woman. They will do better than the other canidate. They will save us from ourselves. I am thinking I have heard this all before. I am hearing this from McCaine but more importantly I am hearing it from Obama - The outed parties for the past 8 years presidential canidate. Can we go off what they tell us? No!!! They have just as much of an idea on whats going to happen tomorrow as anyone else in the world. They are public speakers and are just trying to sell us what we already have.

So how about thier past? I mean Bill Clinton always wanted to be president, Ronald Reagon wall a well respected Actor. Two diffrent people for two diffrent background. We found faults with both. We have always found the faults in our leaders. But it just proves that we cannot go by who the person shows himself as.

Basically I don't think either canidate is perfect for the job. I think both would do great things for this country and both would struggle greatly with other things. So Pick your poison.

Too many Questions

Ok you may be wondering why I am showing this Picture and Why I am not in it. Well that would be because I was not there. I was not informed about it and I was apperently not invited.



Yes this is a Picture of a now married friend of mine. (top left corner) That I have known since 4th grade when he moved into my neighborhood and into my school. We were great friends all the way threw highschool and saw alot of each other up until he left for his mission. I left a little later than he did. so we did not see each other or hear much from each other for about 3 years.



But maybe that is where life laughs at all of us, is the good connections that we lose over time. The things that made me sad. How busy we get and the friends we lose because of it. Well Over the past few years I have not seen or heard much from My friend lance. I got home and talked to him while I was bed ridden for about 3 weeks after some sergury. He said he was over at his parents and would be right over. I did not see or hear from him after that phone conversation for over a year. He never came over. When I asked him later he told me he forgot. So I guess I must have been his favorite friend ever to be forgotten 5 min. after our conversation. I was depressed at that time and really I feel it has affected me for years and to this day on how I react to things. Lance showing up that day would had made me feel better. Not that lance was the only one I didn't see during that time.



But Now I have to ask the Question. Are Lance and I still friends? I hear that he is enguaged from a mutual friend that heard from his sister threw myspace or facebook. So neither of us heard directly, or thats what I understand. I very rarely hear from lance. Last time I talked to him he called me on accident. So maybe I should just drop him because we really have not been friends for a few years now. Maybe he thinks he is better than me because he has been studying to be a lawyer. Maybe we were never that great of friends in the first place. Maybe I was just a stepping stone and someone for him to use to make himself feel better. Or maybe I did something to piss him off enough that he would not even think of inviting me to his wedding, and because of that he will not be invited to mine. Because why have someone around that does not want to be there or see you in the first place.

Rooting for the underdog.

I have an issue and most people are starting to get on my nerves with this. But why does everyone have to root for the underdog? is it they desire change because thier life is crap? Is it just some stupid human desire to see someone who has not trained as hard or as long to win? is it that we want to be able to say that everyone we don't like is evil and the underdog is fighting for us? Then also who really is the underdog anyway? Do you cheer for Lex Luthor to defeat Superman? No we do not! Maybe that is self preservation though.
But why do we cheer on the guy that only got to where he is not because he was able to back stab everyone else that was better than him in the first place?
Examples of these things are mostly seen in sports. Like most recently the Superbowl. I wanted to see history happen by the Patriots making history by finishing off a tuff but otherwise undefeated season. But many people only wanted to see the Giant win soley for the fact to see the Patriots lose. Not that they were Giant fans all year, or that ultimatly the Giants were a better team. They just wanted the Giant to win just to see the Patriots loose. The Patriots who had worked hard all Season long to win every game. To do everything right on the field, and proved they were one of the best teams ever in football history.
Other examples of this I have seen have been in most every sporting event. Baseball, Basketball, Soccer, and even in the Olympics. But Sports is not the only place it is seen. Buisness is also a place where we cheer on the underdog. Not because the ultimatly bring us a much better product. But because we feel the Big corperation has done well for too long and needs to be de-throned.
I see this mostly in Game forums myself. Most notably recently is many game geeks that Bash Sony, then Microsoft, But all praise Nintendo. Now I will admit that Nintendo is not an evil company. But they are not a saint company by any means. You might read my review on Nintendo. Mainly the Nintendo Wii. Although it is a ok system. I still see why it should be the underdog. It is a bad console compared to the the PS3 and the Xbox 360. They gave you a reboxed gamecube with another crapy controller. But people defend the Wii as if it was thier own child. saying things like Nintendo did not want to compete with Microsoft or Sony, Or Nintendo does not care about graphics. This is all a lie in my opinion for Nintendo because they tanked with the Gamecube and the N64 was not much better. Nintendo did not want to compete with Sony or Microsoft because the cannot compete with them. Nintendo only success has been in the handheld market for the past 10 years. Thier Consoles have been lacking. and so have thier games with those consoles. That is why you see a new Mario Kart and Mario game each time. Those are the only games they can do right each time. But We in the end see them as the underdog and so we cheer them on. Praise them for thier short commings and buy and promote thier underdone & underworked console.
So why do we Root for the underdog? They don't really do anything for us. They don't give us pride in our country, or the ability to see history in the making. They don't give us anyting consistant. I will root for someone to finish a race but not to win it. But they only give us a moment that in the end is not always the best.

Innovation

It has been a few days since I last posted anything not that I don't have alot of half finished thoughts. I have a few things for Reviews on The Current Next Gen Consoles, and I have some thoughts on Movies. Particuarally the ones in the 80's that I love. and I am thinking on doing some remanesing of some old 80's movies in later posts. But Today what has been on my mind is Innovation, Creation, and expansion for things to come.
I have always liked the idea of inventing things. But Not something tried and true and adding a thing-a-who onto it and calling it new. And I don't want to create the Next Google, Yahoo, Aol, MSN, ask.com, Search page. or Myspace, or Facebook Personale web page. I don't want to be the one to create the Next high def format on t.v.'s or something that is short term. Too many people just Regurgitate an idea and add new art to it and call it better lately. I do not agree that facebook is better or worse than myspace. it's just got a diffrent face with the same insides. It's all that internet rave that say's if you build it they will come. But I believe that it is a limited market if you create just another Myspace website. Also people will only use so many Search engins. Those markets are saturated and the big hitters have already come out swinging.
So what is one to do? We don't have to come up with something new. We just have to come up with something usefull. Myspace is usefull because it lets you express yourself and keep in contact with your friends. Google as a search engine is usefull because it let you find what you are looking for. Creating the newest T.V. would be fun but takes alot of time and money. and I don't want to be the one that just one up's the other. I want to change the Market. I want to make the world better. I don't want to create a product that makes us more lazy. Yes they might be fun but it is pointless to have a beer can thrown to you so you don't have to go to the fridge.
But I have also found you don't have to listen to the negativity of those around you. Examples of this are my dad and he is very similar to how the world reacts to these things. I had the idea almost 15 years ago to put a Hard Drive into a car and put MP3's on it. So you could take all your music with you on one disk and not carry and swap out 500 CD's. We see this hitting big time now. Hard drives are truly now in Cars and Everyone knows the Ipod craze that has hit the market. And what did my dad along with the world say to me 15 years ago? Thats a bad idea. it will never work. Get a real job where you can make money get married and make babies. I regret now that I did not go after that idea. Sure someone might have already patented the idea before that. But Who knows. I could have been the one that got in and changed the world. People might not ever remember my name but my legacy would have been started. I want to change the world. I don't care if every one knows my name and people flock to me just to catch a glimpse. I just to feel I have done something with my life. I want to know I have created something that people will use to make this world a better one.
I know I am able to do some great things. I have many talents and skills because of how I have lived my life. I am a Great Draftsman. I have come to that conlusion and I am worth what My boss pay's me and more. I am good at specking out computers. I have built computers that can still outrun computers much younger and run smoother and cleaner. I can learn about things around me faster than most. I know my learning style. I know my health and how to stay healthy. Although I know I can do better and I need to not listen to others about what I can and can't do. I just need to apply myself and come up with that Idea that I know is out there somewhere.
What I see comming in big time over the Next Few years are Touchscreens. Possibly to come take over for the Mouse someday. Also UPC or ultra portable computers and Tablet PC. This goes along with the touch screens Because most of them have a touch screen of some sort. They will replace the Laptop computer someday. Video on demand or dowloadable content. I don't know if it will ever replace full ownership. But I do think that the Rental community will be taken by storm once americans update to faster internet connections. I also think you will start to see high def. Television sales start to rapidly pick up over the next few years. You will also see alot of previously 2D programs turn into 3D, especially art Programs. There is so much that can and will happen over even the next year in technology. That if you think about it first but don't do anything about it someone else will take advantage of it.
So find what you love to do and make it even better.

Egg and a Car do not work well

Ok so as I was getting Ready to head off to work today I got all my things ready and walked out the door to find that some jerk(that is the kind name) had thrown an egg at my car. That is not the best thing for paint or so I hear. So I decided to go wash my car and try to get the partially dried on egg goup off. Well the first car wash only took quarters and anyone that knows me knows that I usually only use my debit card. So I did not have much change. But I did have enuph quarters to start the wash. So I turned it on and proceeded to spray off my car. and in my genious I found that spraying down on the car not only helped take off some of the egg but also soaked my pants. So now I had a car with egg on it and wet pants. What a wonderful morning. I can't tell you all the wonderful and glorious things that went through my mind if I ever found the kid that had the rest of the eggs in the carton.
So now it took me so long to wash my car at the car wash that my money ran out and there was still alot of soap on my car and me with no quarters or even a dollar bill. So I hoped in my car and drove to another car wash that I knew took Debit cards. So I tried calling my boss letting him know that I was running a bit late. Finally got ahold of him on his Cell phone. Good news is that he understood and told me to take my time. He was not in the office either haveing left for a meeting early that morning and was not back at the office yet. So I siged a little bit of relief and finished washing my car.

Valentines Saved.

Just to Start out. I want to give everyone an idea of what I think Valentines is for. Valentines is for showing love to those around you. Friends, family and your significant other. Valentines is NOT as the Media put's it a time to get enguaged and buy expensive jewlery and spend way too much money on a girl because you messed up the rest of the year anyway.
So my Reason for saying Valentines is saved is a personal one. Last year I was dating someone and had the most horrible Valentines ever. We ended up not even talking at dinner and by the end of the night I was a jerk and I had ruined Valentines. Why you say? Because I didn't buy an expensive ring and make it a night to remember forever.
Well a year has passed. I have a new and much better woman in every respect. I still didn't buy the expensive ring. But I had a great conversation over a wonderful meal. That is all I wanted this Valentines. Even though both our parents have expressed the desire for me to pop the question. But I had to make it threw this Valentines. I had to see if it was the ring or if it was me that mattered most. By the end of the night I felt more loved and appriciated for who I am rather than what I stand for in someones mind.
Valentines was saved for me this year.